Monday, February 16, 2009

Every Time

I met a nice girl at Church today. She was very interesting, and interested in me. She was pretty and seemed to keep her eyes on my eyes. I thought "Wow. I just might actually hook-up". Then she got a call and answered it like this: "Oh, Hi, how are you tonight"?

Damnit. That's language any guy can understand. She's already got a boyfriend.

Oh well, it was fun flirting. She'd eventually find out I had "another" side to me and freak-out, so I guess it was for the best she was not for me. Still...*sigh*.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The 500 Dollar Question

First, allow me to "vent" some stress. I was given a 500 dollar academic scholarship and now they are taking it back. In fact, they may be revoking all of my stafford loans. How? Why? Apparently, when I got removed from a class on some ridiculous theology discussion, I was a part-time student. But now, since that 3-credit class has been forcefully removed from my schedule, I am being told that my scholarship is going bye-bye, and so are my stafford loans, since I am no longer at least 6 credits to be called a "part-timer". I have only 5 credits right now. WTF.

And now for some deeper thoughts.

I look around me and see the men and women of the world, working, moving around, doing this-and-that...trying to survive as comfortable as possible. I wonder: how many of these men and women were once the opposite sex? Strangely enough, I think this. I haven't met anyone who has been too wreckless with their stealth, or anyone who has been out for a while, but no one can tell the difference anymore by looking. I really wish I could sit down and eat a meal with some people like me.

Like me? Sure, why not? I guess I am not quite transsexual anymore, since I do not take hormones (regular basis - I KNOW - I shouldn't play with that stuff) and dress up as a daily ritual to shock the masses at my Bible college. No, I am more like the transsexual who REALLY FLIPPING WANTS TO BE WHO I AM INSIDE but chooses not to in case it will piss God off. Infact (In + Fact should be one word, I think. It'll catch on hopefully), I don't want to lose any chance I have for a normal life. I have to be honest...I really don't have a clue as to what that means, but I really really want it.

Some "women" are just so damn beautiful. They pulled it off (haha). I envy them. How I long to be beautiful as well! Arg!!!!! Nope. Not me. Can never be. I could take all the hormones in the world and still be a large, muscular person with a deep voice and big hands and feet. Cosmetic surgery would only do so much for me, especially since I am a low-budget type of person. I just can't afford things like that! Anyways, I REALLY wish and pray to God EVERYDAY that He would either kill me or turn me into the person He wants me to be. I am hoping dearly that it has something to do with lip gloss and nail polish. I pray for God to give me direction and to use me for His Kingdom, but hopefully, I can do it as a woman. Why not? God can use ANYONE from ANYWHERE at ANYTIME. God is God.

Ever wish you were Gay? I do. It would be far easier for me to justify my transitioning and help others see that I was really a woman from the get-go. I know, I know, it wouldn't necessarily be easier as a homosexual, and I know for a fact that my faith says that I would be a damned soul for practicing it, but...ya know. I just feel it would be more beneficial to me than liking girls. I HATE that I like girls. So confusing sometimes! For instance, I could be talking to a girl about shades of eyeshadow that goes with a gown, then in that moment of pleasant, natural, girl-to-girl communication, I get all horny! And instead of thinking about how great she looks and how many heads will turn when she goes out, I want to sleep with her and wear the damn eyeshadow doing it! I think I need to see a shrink.

Well, I really need to climb into bed, which by-the-way, is completely pink satin.
Yea, I's very girly. Maybe too girly, like, "sissy" or something, but it's the only thing I have left of my relationship with my "inner fem". I lose that, I lose really wonderful sleeping comfort!...and possibly would have to go out dressed like a woman and get kicked out of college. I am just three months away from graduating. I gotta stay focused for now. Privacy and public MUST stay separate.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


I got kicked-out of my Theology class today. I haven't been kicked-out of a class since High School! What happened? Well, as a student enrolled in this course, it is my responsibility to post my response on our college course site to our current reading assignment. Simple enough. I made a comment about how this class just talks about the mysteries of God, going full-circle, and not getting anywhere but more confused. Alas, I am not going to be a preacher-man, nor will I need to know this to save my life someday (ironically, it might happen - lol), but this course was a bad idea at this point. I LOVE discussing theology with others, and challenging what they believe, but apparently my professor was not pleased with my post, felt that I had trashed-talked about it and insulted him, so he dismissed me before he started class. I left unashamedly, but embarrassed. I cannot apologize again...I apologized on my post later before class. Did he read my apology? He is the professor, and I am his student, but I cannot put myself so low that I have no respect for myself anymore. I apologized, but kept to my guns. Maybe he will let me back in if I kiss his ass in front of everyone and take ten lashings in the back?
Maybe. Well, I am not going to let this bother me too much anymore. I need to go do my cleaning job and pray for a car...since I have no amount of serious work hours and cannot get a better job, money is super-tight and a car seems to be impossible to save for, so...PRAYER!!! (I wonder if anyone reads these blogs)?