First, allow me to "vent" some stress. I was given a 500 dollar academic scholarship and now they are taking it back. In fact, they may be revoking all of my stafford loans. How? Why? Apparently, when I got removed from a class on some ridiculous theology discussion, I was a part-time student. But now, since that 3-credit class has been forcefully removed from my schedule, I am being told that my scholarship is going bye-bye, and so are my stafford loans, since I am no longer at least 6 credits to be called a "part-timer". I have only 5 credits right now. WTF.
And now for some deeper thoughts.
I look around me and see the men and women of the world, working, moving around, doing this-and-that...trying to survive as comfortable as possible. I wonder: how many of these men and women were once the opposite sex? Strangely enough, I think this. I haven't met anyone who has been too wreckless with their stealth, or anyone who has been out for a while, but no one can tell the difference anymore by looking. I really wish I could sit down and eat a meal with some people like me.
Like me? Sure, why not? I guess I am not quite transsexual anymore, since I do not take hormones (regular basis - I KNOW - I shouldn't play with that stuff) and dress up as a daily ritual to shock the masses at my Bible college. No, I am more like the transsexual who REALLY FLIPPING WANTS TO BE WHO I AM INSIDE but chooses not to in case it will piss God off. Infact (In + Fact should be one word, I think. It'll catch on hopefully), I don't want to lose any chance I have for a normal life. I have to be honest...I really don't have a clue as to what that means, but I really really want it.
Some "women" are just so damn beautiful. They pulled it off (haha). I envy them. How I long to be beautiful as well! Arg!!!!! Nope. Not me. Can never be. I could take all the hormones in the world and still be a large, muscular person with a deep voice and big hands and feet. Cosmetic surgery would only do so much for me, especially since I am a low-budget type of person. I just can't afford things like that! Anyways, I REALLY wish and pray to God EVERYDAY that He would either kill me or turn me into the person He wants me to be. I am hoping dearly that it has something to do with lip gloss and nail polish. I pray for God to give me direction and to use me for His Kingdom, but hopefully, I can do it as a woman. Why not? God can use ANYONE from ANYWHERE at ANYTIME. God is God.
Ever wish you were Gay? I do. It would be far easier for me to justify my transitioning and help others see that I was really a woman from the get-go. I know, I know, it wouldn't necessarily be easier as a homosexual, and I know for a fact that my faith says that I would be a damned soul for practicing it, but...ya know. I just feel it would be more beneficial to me than liking girls. I HATE that I like girls. So confusing sometimes! For instance, I could be talking to a girl about shades of eyeshadow that goes with a gown, then in that moment of pleasant, natural, girl-to-girl communication, I get all horny! And instead of thinking about how great she looks and how many heads will turn when she goes out, I want to sleep with her and wear the damn eyeshadow doing it! I think I need to see a shrink.
Well, I really need to climb into bed, which by-the-way, is completely pink satin.
Yea, I know...it's very girly. Maybe too girly, like, "sissy" or something, but it's the only thing I have left of my relationship with my "inner fem". I lose that, I lose really wonderful sleeping comfort!...and possibly would have to go out dressed like a woman and get kicked out of college. I am just three months away from graduating. I gotta stay focused for now. Privacy and public MUST stay separate.
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Never my dear is a really long time, and I know how hard this journey can be. Costs? Time? Body? Oh dear, do I have some answers that will surprise you.
ReplyDeleteFirst, the sooner you start, the better the transformation can be.
Second, miracles can and do happen. Seriously.
Third, life after transition is so totally worth it.
Fourth, the only surgery I've had is in a place you are never likely to see. Ergo and thus, no-one else sees it either.
Fifth, I had all the same fears you did for so long. Making matters worse, I used to get mistaken for Jonathan Frakes (Cmdr. William T. Riker of the 1701-D Enterprise.) That doesn't happen anymore. Think I'm kidding? Take a look at: http://samstrip.blogspot.com/2008/05/as-promised.html
As to the 500 dollar question and all the damage it's done in your life right now, have a conversation with the department chair, or the dean, and have things fixed. He kicked you out because you asked the hard questions? Come on, that's just so sleazy, he's not a very good person. He's doing all that damage to you, to your life, because he didn't like your answer? That's wrong. So wrong! The only thing hard, fast and certain about theology is there is nothing hard, fast or certain about it. Trust me, I know of what I speak, I majored in Theology, took home all the nifty shingles to hang on the wall. My doctoral work? Why "GOD" needs us more than "he/she" needs us. I even defended it successfully. Graduated Suma Cum Laude, wasn't THAT fun!
I can tell you for a fact that "god" doesn't care if you are a boy or girl, because when you get to where you're going, there are no bodies per say, at least not the way you think of it now.
So wander my blog, and when you're done there, or before, or whenever, I have a list of at least three other women who've transitioned, or are doing it now, who've not had any surgery where you can see it. One looks a bit like Lindsay Lohan now.
I had the whole "guy" thing going and I hated it, and myself, for so long. Broad Shoulders, big, muscular upper body, no butt or hips, very deep voice . . . oh I was so certain for so many years that I'd never ever "fool" anyone. Now I could be seen as a guy if I tried. My voice? Yeah, well the before and after there is as amazing as the pictures.
My body? Very, Very much a girl. Grew my own hips, butt, breasts and my face changed dramatically. All on estrogen and prayer. I'm not even kidding. My voice? It was easy to fix, so much so that I and everyone else was amazed. If you're three months from graduation, sure, wait and finish, that makes sense. But after that? You can start life the right way. In no time flat you won't even really remember being a boy, and no-one will believe it.
Hang in there, and write me if you wish.
Samantha
Hi Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI just read your blog and thought I'd offer some support. Samantha's completely right; everything's going to be fine, and although it's terrifying and seems like an impossible, impossible dream, it's not. Amazing things can and will happen when you start transition which you won't believe now.
You're so close to graduation, stick with it, get that bit of your life over with first - you don't need anything more on your plate right now! Once that's over and done with, go and talk to a professional, in confidence, and talk it all out. It's difficult at first, but no one will laugh at you - it's a genuine and serious condition we all have, and there's a treatment which will make your life much better (although it won't solve ALL your problems, just the obvious one! lol).
Take your time. Go at your own pace. You can pull back from hormones if you need to - no one's ever going to force you to go through with this (quite the opposite in fact...). This is your life.
One thing I will say: if you're going to transition, do it as early as you can. This "thing" we share NEVER goes away, so you either put up with it (if you can - I couldn't), or you do something about it. Dark thoughts (I've been there) about ending it all are a sure sign you're reaching the point where you'll realise this is bigger than you, and you need other people's help, kindness, and understanding if you're to pull through. You'll have it. It's a rough ride, sometimes, but you do get through, and it's better on the other side. Money? Not as much as you think, and you'll be motivated to get it. All kinds of things happen.
I transitioned at 26-27, a long time ago now, and I have a great life and a great husband. Don't worry about the sexuality thing - liking girls, liking boys. God is love, and it'll all sort itself out for the best. Just be yourself.
And one last thing: God loves you. He made you as you are, and you have a rare and special opportunity to experience things which most people never get. You'll see things from all sorts of angles, you'll have an understanding of men and women which is rare, and precious. Frightened people will say all kinds of terrifying things to put you off from this huge, huge step, as this is "the great unknown" - but believe in yourself and God and you'll pull through just fine.
Samantha talks much sense. One day, this'll all be a blur, and you'll be a woman, trying to remember what the fuss was all about. It's true - I've been there.
Hang in there, girl. It all gets better, it really does.
Sarah