Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dreams are Crazy!

Okay, so I had another dream last night. This time, it was I would go to sleep in my dream and then do random dream things with my friends. It was weird and fun! I remember that I was about to wake up and I looked to my friend Kate and said that "as soon as I wake up, we might forget all this fact, you might not even be real". She just smiled at me and said "No, no, we will remember and see eachother again". So I woke up, but when I went to her apartment, she was still sleeping! So I had to act fast. Something was wrong. I told her roommate that he had to put me to sleep in order to save Kate. I went to sleep and found her tied up by some weird dream goblins, or something. I tried to fight off these bogeys but they were too quick. I eventually came to the realization that I was dreaming again (you see, you forget that you are dreaming, and as soon as you realize you are, a timer begins that awakes you physically, but you also get some, if not all, contol). So, I beat the crap out of these creatures and used my body heat to burn 'em up! I saved her and we fled to the Magic Woods (?). There, we told eachother that to find our way out, we had to become different people and then go into a horror comic book individually and fight the monsters there that are tormenting children all over the world. So, I agreed and became a girl. I seriously don't know who, or even what I looked like...use your imaginations! She became Spider-man...I think...and we did what we had to do in order to save the children and get out of Dream World. I think we pulled it off. I woke up and she was there holding my hand smiling. Then I woke up FOR REAL. What a strange, yet delightful dream experience! ^_^

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Homosexual Batman Non-Denominational Pancakes

No. I am not homosexual. Did the title of the note grab your curiosity? lol

I "came-out" to the students of Grace Bible College back in December, at a chapel service.

When I aid I struggled with my Gender Identity, that did not mean I was gay. Not so much, no.

What that meant was that I struggled to maintain a socially acceptable level of "manliness".

I hate being a man, and want to be a woman.

This is something that I have had in my heart and mind since I was a child.

I have coped with it as much as possible growing up, turning my "issue" into a sexual fantasy.

Instead of helping me escape transgenderism, it made things even more twisted and difficult.

I have female desires. Not so much sexual, but as a general point of character.

In order to satisfy myself without crossing the boundaries of our so-called Law of Birth Gender...

...I began to cross-dress, and I practiced applying make-up privately. I grew my hair longer and...

...painted my nails. I grew less interested in girls as sexual objects of desire.

I bought fragrances for women and turned my bed into a bed made for a princess.

Now, this had an effect on women in my life too. They saw me not only as a freak to avoid, but as a... who is was taking ground from the "women's front" and claiming it as my own - something...

...a man would naturally do.

It is a fact that all men in the world use and live within "Male Privelage".

By trying to be a girl, and taking it for what I could, I was "being a man being a women". My bad.

Now, I wasn't all-out in my efforts to feminize myself. I still appeared more-so "manly".

I took herbal pills to decrease my testosterone and increase my estrogen for over a year.

Some visible changes in my appearance and attitude could have been seen, if you were looking.

I began taking actual female hormones around January 2008. I used pills mostly, sometimes a patch.

I was terrified of anyone finding out. They would not understand. They would see it as a drug habit.

They would have kicked me out of college and never second-guessed their actions on that.

I was hurting so bad. I really wanted to be who God wanted me to be, but I was so confused.

I had only 3 friends and our kind Dean of Students know about this. One of my friends -

Matt Palfenier - was a close ally to me in this and I treasure him as a close friend for his help.

I gave up hormones in November 0f 2008 for fear of God's Will and for killing my liver.

I developed a bit in the areas a girl would at puberty, and my skin retained some softness for 2 months.

Do I have regrets for doing this? Yes. I don't want to be infertile. I want to be a daddy someday.

How do I feel about all of this? I feel good. I mean, I ventured into territory many of us will never go.

I came out emotionally and spiritually stronger. I learned about genders and their roles in our world.

I know who I a man...and strive to be who God wills me to be.

Having this all behind me has made me a better man. I know things now. Neat little details about girls.

I feel like a man who feels like a woman that wants to be a man for God but secretly wishes to wake...

...up in the morning as a woman. Ah, it never goes away, but from what I have experienced, and...

...from what I have learned, AND with God's help, I can strive forward in life and do His will correctly.

So, here is the conclusion:

1 -I am a man. Always and forever.
2- I do wish I was a woman, not because it would be easier (NO WAY!) but because it is who I am inside.
3- I want to obey the Lord, but am wary of those who use the Word to silence me and keep me down.
4-Transsexualism and being transgendered is not a sin. Not in my book! But the lifestyles and hearts of those who have become men or women by pill and surgery is what matters to God, not their flesh.
5-God made this issue come out of me for a reason. He took something I needed to work on and made it happen. Thank you, Jesus.
6-I really hope I don't lose my jobs anywhere for fear of me as a freak. You know me. I'm not a freak.

THAT'S IT! Comments are encouraged, even if you feel weirded-out! See ya!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Officially Gay?

I went to see a ballet/hip-hop performance last night with a friend. She and I loved the show and later went to Denny's. She drove, so afterwards, she dropped me off at my place and said our goodbyes. I was very tired so I went to bed. I dreamed. In my dream, I was doing odd and wonderful things...such as dreams are, but a part came up where I was a ballet dancer being hurried around back-stage, pestered to quickly get my make-up on and slip on my shoes. (This had to have been influenced by the show).
I tried to do what I was told, and anytime I caught a glimpse of myself, I was a man still, but in my reflections I saw a cute ballet girl. Anyways, I never went on stage. I complained I had to use the ladies room and went. Funny, in dreams you use the bathroom, but never get satisfied, you just keep going or need to use it again...because I guess if you DID get satisfied from going, then you'd probably need to change your sheets in the morning! The dream changed and I was laying on a couch in someone's living room. I was watching episodes of "The office". My mother was there and two of her friends as well, one a man and the other a woman. I think they were a couple. They had a son who came up to me, squatted next to the couch and held a computer keyboard on his lap. It was the remote, and in order to play the next episode, I needed to type it in. So, I did. I remember feeling bashful to go so close to his "area" but played it off as if I didn't think anything of it. Then I realized - I was wearing my nightie in front of everyone! (That's what I sleep in...nothing too girly, but it is pink). I didn't panic. I just laid there as if nothing were wrong. Nobody seemed to care and they thought I looked nice. Those compliments felt really nice, but I was so embarrassed that I was out in the living room with my nightie on - in front of everyone. My mother made some snide remark of me being a boy, but before anyone could muster up a response, I took off from the couch and into my bedroom around the corner. The dream ended, and I awoke with the need to use the bathroom.

I wanted to catch some more zzzzzzzzzzz's, but I got up and typed this out for all to see. Yay.

I don't really know what to feel. I mean, the dream sort of made the "feelings" return, and if I were to be a woman in real life, I guess it would be a lot more convenient and easier to pass as a real girl if I dated men. I am a Christian, and knowing what I know from the Word of God, not from some dinky church clergymen, I must not engage in those feelings. HOMOSEXUALITY is a condemnable sin against the flesh and more importantly against God. I sooooooooooo badly want to just collapse in the arms of a cute young man, and be held gently by his strong arms and warm torso. I want to see him smile at me and call me "beautiful". And kiss me.

Yea, I guess that's homosexuality. Even if I were a girl by surgery and hormones, I would still be considered a man by the Church and damned to Hell for my actions. I could try to be in a heterosexual relationship with a man if I were to become a woman, but...I'm repeating myself here. I want what I want, but I cannot have it unless I am willing to lose everything I have and possibly upset the Lord I love. Things are not easy for me. I am a man trying to remain and behave like a man, who feels in her heart of hearts that I am lying to myself, and wants to be with a man, but knows that I am a man, so that would be an even bigger sin if I became a woman and hooked-up with a man. There's no end to it! No solution I can see!

*SIGH* I suppose I just need to give this all some time, and have faith that Jesus Christ will show me what I need to do about all of this.

Thanks for reading.

- Hidden Rachel

Friday, January 16, 2009

Wellspring 180 Fun Night

I just got back from an intense night of Egyptian Rats (crazy, fast-paced card slapping game) and Mario Kart (the Wii) tournament. I had a lot of fun! I went male, as if any of you have NOT read my other blog posts yet. Read 'em up!

A lot of the time, guys (as well as myself) go to meet ladies. And let me tell you, these girls are not homely...they are hot. The problem most guys have is that they don't go to have a positive, Christian fellowship experience, but just to hook up.

I used to be like that, but there is so much more to life and Jesus than just trying to get a date. Besides, most of the girls at my church are already seeing men, they just act like they are not. And some girls are single, but are not playing "easy".

I'm not one to pursue a girl with utmost passion and drive. If she wants me to chase her, she has got to keep feeding me some info that she is wanting a chase, because if she doesn't give those signals, I will think she is trying to avoid me and I will give up. I am not a very good man when it comes to ironic.

My church in itself is amazing, and one visit you'd want more later. My group I attend is called "180", and it is a bunch of college-aged and college students mingling and growing in Christ. It is a wonderful group of people that I am currently getting to know more and more.

I really don't have anything "transgender" to talk about, so I am going to go to bed. It is almost 2 in the morning. I am sooooooo tired.

See ya later, world!

No Coming-Out Party? *

So...I guess the word is out. Yeah...OUT. The word of the day is 'Out'.

I had no idea my mother would view anything on Myspace. I didn't realize she went on my sister's page and spotted my blog. Heck, I didn't even realize my sister was subscribed to my bloggings, or even glanced at my page. Heh heh heh, I guess I also just realized my mom is more 'hip' than I give her credit for - being on Myspace. Wow.

It wasn't easy growing up. I know a lot of you can agree. It's never always going to be easy for everyone. I was an emotional boy. I was sensitive and quick to cry because I did not like the way things worked. I used to get into trouble for my potty mouth, staying out late, being lazy on the chores and starting crap with my siblings. It wasn't always my fault either. Sometimes I was the victim of the unnecessary abuse. It had always irritated me to no-end when I was confronted for being an asshole. "You need to admit, you were giving people trouble, and that's why so-and-so happened, bla bla bla...". Ya, I know this. Please quit pointing fingers.

I so badly wanted to hang out more with girls growing up, I just didn't understand what they were up to half the time. I mean, I am biologically male for the most part. There were things I just didn't get. When one of my girl cousins went into modeling, it was around the time I was becomming atracted to girls. This made things difficult. I wanted to BE the model, looking beautiful and alluring, having fun dressing up and getting looks, BUT I also began to enjoy being the one LOOKING at the alluring models.

Things improved a little near the end of high school. I tried to turn my feelings and desires into a sexual fetish. I tried crossdressing, often getting caught in awkward situations occassionally. I tried to make it something I would "enjoy to myself", if you catch my meaning. I thought I had fixed my wierdness. Life was still a hell-hole for me and the rest of my family I understand, but doing my secret thing kept my feelings in check and if they didn't, I found a way to just drink and talk crap about other things with my drinking friends.

Kicked out for being a miserable son and non-contributing household member, I lived in a van for 2 months. Thankfully it was summer. I had some cash saved, and bled that dry just for food and gas. I went back and forth between roadstops and friends' homes. I finally got into an apartment in Oscoda, Michigan, and the rest is history as we all know it.

I did not find solace in my apartment completely. I had yearnings to do "girl" things and I often found myself at parties standing around, gabbing with girls and even looking at the guys. Am I gay? I don't think I am, and then, no, not so much. I was curious, and I did have some inclinations towards men at that time too, but not to say I was queer and wanted a man all over me. I just kept getting deeper into fetishes and became quite the knowledgable person on sex toys, bondage, rubber latex, wierd kinks and other fetishes. I thought it was interesting to know there was more freakier people out there than me.

I became a Christian, and that brought about a new guilt. Is this wrong? Am I wrong to be this way? Will I go to Hell anyway? I went to a Bible college to pursue those answers and grow closer to Christ. I wanted to be successful in life and not be stuck in Iosco County fot the rest of my life. It was not the best place to be for me. It was hard - it IS hard. In the summer of 2007, I came to the conclusion (after a few months of compulsively gathering information on my "issue") that I, dear friends and family, was transgendered.

At first I wasn't sure what to think. I was SO happy I was not alone, that there was others out there just like me! I wanted to tell the world that I was not a freak anymore, that I actually fit somewhere! I also remembered how people were growing up, not just family and friends, and understood that there will be persecution for me if I take the road to changing my body to match my mind.

I don't even know har far and permanent I will make of all this. I already have breast development. That does not go away. How far am I willing to go in order to be happy with myself? Friends from online give me the support and encouragement to do what I need to do and be happy with myself. Everyone else outside the Web thinks differently. Should I risk everything for this, including my jobs, college career at a Bible school, friendships and family, or should I just pretend again that I am a weird boy with odd fetishes?

There is an amazingly LARGE amount of information regarding my transgenderism. For fun and education, try going to:

Those are just a few places to start looking. If you any other questions, please let me know them!

Now then. As far as any of you know, you think that your crazy friend, son or borther is "just doing something to gain attention. He doesn't want to be a girl. He's just yanking our chains. He likes to stir up our waters. What an asshole".
No. I am not saying anything here to get anyone's attention any more than the next person writing about some obscure diary post. This is real. This is me.

I guess I feel safe behind the Internet and not directly telling anyone. I don't know what is going to happen IF I visit home for the holidays. There is always some sort of annoying complaint or argument to make me feel not so welcome. Will I be Tyler? Will I be the new and improved Rachel? Will it be too freaking uncomfortable for me to even talk about it? Well, as you know, I am still looking like a dude, acting like a dude as best as I can, and dressing like a dude, so i don't think much will change in the casual environment.

I hope nobody goes gabbing this stuff to people. I would rather they found out through this Blog and not by word-of-mouth. Questions come up, answers are limited and anxiety creeps in, causing hatred, fear and confusion. For example, please don't tell my/our grandfather Bob. He would NOT understand me one bit. I have tried to clue him in for a year, but he has just expressed his disgust and confusion over the matter. To him, a girl is a girl, and a boy is a boy. I wish it were that simple!

I don't know what else to say. I am going to watch a movie called "Slither". Anyone seen it? Looks icky, but fun in a scary way too!

Dear Family *

I fall under the category of transgender. I could be called transsexual, but more closely aligned with being Gender Dysphoric (meaning I feel stress over not being a girl and living accordingly). If I were fully transsexual, I would be processing myself into a woman and living it out daily.

This may be purely the "not living as a woman" situation that depresses me, or so much as not truly being a woman. I think and feel it has more to do with NOT being a girl that troubles me. Should I feel this way? Of course not! Not because you believe I shouldn't, but because I believe I shouldn't.

I used to take phyto-estrogens, which are herbal supplements you can pick up in most stores. They increase the natural amount of estrogen in one's body and add some extra doses safely in miniscule amounts. Though not as potent and effective as estradiol and progesterone, I felt the effects and enjoyed them. It gave me softer skin and hair, and a more positive outlook on life; I smile more often, stronger nurturing desires, more sensitive to emotions and feelings of others, less sex drive and a peace I had not known for a long time. The real hormones work even better, and I am currently on them.

Other "side effects" included: stronger desire to be attractive to opposite sex (still women - complications? I'll get to that), less acne, less stinky body odor, enjoy conversing more, finding it hard to repress excitement over shopping - and that includes shoes, shirts and dresses strangely enough, I love cute-soft-pink things more, I enjoy painting my nails, I am growing my hair longer and would hate to cut it, I wear women's fragrances, I use women's deodorant, I feel I could lose about 100 pounds (I live realistically), want bigger breasts, don't get aroused cross-dressing and I shaved my legs.

I still like women sexually. How does this work, you ask? Are not all transgender people gay? No! I am not homosexual, although I do enjoy the fantasy of being held close and caressed, or to let the other lead the dance. I have felt certain feelings towards other men, just not in a "gay" sort-of-way. More like wanting to be dominated and penetrated (just not in the butt - because that is sick and I do not like the whole "gay" behavior). I am still straight. It's fair to say that I am a man still, maybe bisexual, and would appreciate it if you treated me with the same respect you have before knowing this. When you saw me last, I was this way. Did I send any weird "tranny" signals out there? I don't think so.

My college does and does not know. Some people know, like my Dean, and some do not. I do not intend to make a scene here. I am also planning on exploring this issue more in the future. I may stop taking herbal pills and go for the real deal. I have a little in the past, but stopped for respect towards my faith. I have not found any legitimate scripture saying it is sinful to live as the opposite sex as long as it is for real and not like a drag-queen, homosexual lifestyle. That is dirty and sinful and ruins the image of TRUE women, wouldn't you agree?

I have always been like this, I just couldn't put my finger on it, you know? There have been too many times I wanted to just "come out" and live honestly, but I had issues that were more important growing up to deal with. I hope you see that this isn't a twisted tale I've made up. I am being honest. As far as I know now, nothing is going to drastically change. I pray for your support. I expect fearful abandonment.

Another thing, it contends with me daily. I struggle with this all the time!
I want a wife, but a part of me wants to be the wife! Can you understand me?
I think like a girl, I feel like a girl, I even behave a little like a girl, but I am a man physically and socially and I know that if that changes I will be destroyed.
Thanks for hearing me out. I wish I had the balls (that's clever) to tell you to your face, but I was afraid of ruining my relationship with you so I did not. I value my connections to my family, despite the fact that they are always in some sort of epic battle against each other. I love you all.

In closing, I am sort of upset I had to tell you through the mail. I know…yes, I KNOW that some of you will not want me around anymore, either because you think I am being unnatural, or that I am not representing Christ like I should. I am representing Christ greatly and this is my cross to carry, not yours. This should be a warning to you all: "Let he or she that is without sin cast the first stone". Jesus said that when the Jews were about to stone a whore. Jesus stood up for a prostitute! So what makes you think, if you do, that you are better than me?
I do not mean to defile the image of God, nor do I wish to look as if I am backing out of Christianity. I am not. I am in this for the long haul. If it is a sin, I will find out. If not, then what's the problem? The "World" (term for everyone not Christian) accepts people like me, so if you do not, then you are neither the "World" nor a Christian. What are you?

This could be a great way for me to connect with others like me and share with them the Message of the Gospel! At least I could offer honest support.
I am done. Thanks again for hearing me out. I am sorry for being defensive right off the start.
Take care.

Who is Rachel? *

Well! That's a super-duper question! No, not really, but it would help you to know what I mean by saying that my name is Rachel. Heh heh heh...No, I am not a woman...yet...and yes, I do look gosh-awful in that ridiculous Halloween photo of mine, but I am transitioning ever so slowly and carefully. I see the changes, and feel them too. If I went too fast or too much, I could get really sick and my liver could fail. That would be stinky. I take just a basic dosage of Estradiol - 2mg per day, and when the package arrives, I will get on a anti-androgen pill as well - to block all that nasty testosterone!

If I went through a doctor, not only would I be forced into a counseling treatment where I would have to explain why I am this way EVERYTIME we meet, and my insurance would not cover the visits, blood work, perscriptions and mental health counseling. Basically, I would be in a lot of financial trouble, and there is no organization that would clearly be there for me in my time of "coming out" to the world.

If I could not be what I am now, and just be a dude, I would be so freaking happy. Try to imagine, if you will, for one moment. Imagine yourself in my shoes...or heels. You hate your body more than someone who just thinks that they are fat, more than someone who has acne, more than someone born without a limb. You hate your body, and therefore begin to hate yourself inside. When this finally gets at you too much, you have only a few options.

One, you can give in and accept that there is a way to change your body to fit your mind - but that it would be very expensive, dangerous, and condemning. Second option would be to accept the way you were made in the womb of you mother as a divine ordinance to your being and just stay silent about your sufferings, maybe even getting involved in as many gender-related groups and situations as possible to sort of "brain wash" you into being content as you are. Third option would be to shoot your freaking brains out with a pistol. The third option runs around my head every once in a while, but the idea of suicide doesn't click with my Faith, as well as the hopefully known fact that I do not give up. would you feel if people got in your face about your isssues? How would you react to them, as well as to those who think that being Trans is ALL you are? How do you live with yourself day-to-day as the gender that drives you mad?
I don't mean to attack anyone. I just wanted you to understand better. It's not the same for every transitioning person, but there are too many similarities to make this "problem" a shut case.

Oh! Shoot! I almsot forgot. Sorry!
The name 'Rachel' comes from my mother. I had asked her what my name would have been if I had been born biologically female. She told me it would have been 'Laura'. That's funny, because that is my sister's name. She would have, at that time, chose the name 'Rachel'. She always thought that name sounded nice, so I took it. She doesn't know about ANY of this, so please don't say anything to her if ya know her. I will come clean with her and everyone this Christmas when everyone is in a good mood, or at least forced to me some sort of protection from an over-reaction if by chance.
Okay, I am done now. Ciao!

Hair, Skin, Boobs *

My hair is getting really long now. The back reaches past my shoulders and rests on my upper back. The sides almost reach the bottom of my neck/shoulders, and the front bangs can almost reach tip-to-tip under my chin. When I wash my hair, I lose a lot of it to the drain. The drain claims my hair and turns it into a "pipe wookie". GLLLAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGG! Good thing is I have a drain screen to collect most of it. For a while, I collected my hair to prove to myself that I was indeed going bald. My hair is thinning out, I just know it! *SIGH* Well, I am told by my girlfriends that it is normal. Ya, but I am a dude still! This is a sign of balding! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I guess I need to relax a little...stress can cause hair loss too. I use a nice protein/strengthening conditioner called Treseme'. It seems to do the trick with detangling my hair and stopping split ends. Smells good too. :) When my hair is dry. it fluffs. This has always been a bother to me. My hair is not so managable when it is fluffy. Ya, it feels light and thick, but it blows everywhere in the slightest of winds and gets into knots again. When my hair is two days without washing (I know, that is yucky, but I am a dude still, so BACK OFF!) it gets that "bad boy" look to it and the back hair rings. Ya, it curls naturally, which is super awesome. I could talk about my hair longer, but I need to mention another sweet detail.
My skin is so soft now. It's really nice to feel. I still have my hairy arms, but that is just to keep people from looking at me and figuring out too much. I still have to hide my process from the college and my church. What a sad, sad thing to hide. Myself. Anyway, with my hairy arms and chin strap-beard thing, I look like a dude for the most part. What women in her right mind would honestly grow a chin strap-beard? Ya, not many I assume. So I have these two things to throw at the world to say "Hey, I'm just a dude with shaved legs, man boobs and a cute leave me alone...or I'll...uh...I'll kick your butt". Not very convincing. lol - So, my skin is super soft, and I owe it all to 2 things: hormones and lotion. Estrogen has some pretty crazy side effects, which include amazingly soft skin. Not saying that the side effects are evil, just crazy. :) Ya, and I also have less oil in my skin too, so no more acne from that! I use lotion on my skin whenever I get out of the shower or bath, especially after I shave my chest and legs (I still have hair in places that I don't want to discuss). Sometimes I use plain old Sauve brands, but sometimes I freshen my senses with ultra-moisturizing Victoria's Secret scented lotions. Ahhhhhhh, so nice, so smooth, so wonderful smelling. ^_^
Now, the only problem that I have would be the boobs. I can guess what you are thinking: "You are transitioning...boobs shouldn't be a problem". Well, they are not. I do like them. I do encourage my boobs to grow, much like a lady watering her plants and talks to them. Ya, I massage my breasts and talk to them. SO I AM A FREAK! BIG DEAL! At least I don't talk to flowers! The problem is not that they are hard to hide from the all-fearing, all-hating mass of solid-gendered people, but that they HURT. I was told this would happen for a while, but seriously, they get so sensitive sometimes. It is like I live with a partner. Always so sensitive to my touching and aggrivated by my clothing! Nothing pleases them. They are always fighting with me about what I wear, what I eat, how I exercise, what I watch on! Now, I know it is because of the hormones I ma taking, so I know it is my fault, but there has got to be a solution to the odd pains that pulse beneath my nipples. Oh! Another thing...when I get into the shower, my breasts are usually the ones in mortal terror. You know, right? You feel the water spraying down and it feels really nice, but as soon as you step into the shower your boobs yell out "Holy Crap! This water is hot"! So, you jump out and grab your boobs really fast and tell them you're sorry. Ya, so I have developing breasts. Nice, but can be painful and troublesome.
That's about it. If you are transitioning as well, or if you are a girl who's been through something similar to what I am going through, then you can appreciate my babbling about these 3 subjects.
And if you had NO idea that I was going through all this, well, now you do. How about that?
Until next time - See ya later!

My Letter to Soulforce

January 16, 2009
PO Box 3195
Lynchburg, VA 24503

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am contacting you NOT on behalf of my college, Grace Bible, but on myself and others like me who are too afraid to “come out”. I’m afraid to announce my identity as well, although people are beginning to have suspicions. I am afraid, to an extent, and frustrated almost everyday.
I am considered Transgendered. I was born a male, and continue to live as one too. My circumstances may or may not be unique, but I currently attend Grace Bible College. As you can imagine, this is not an easy environment for people like me. I often get depressed, think of suicide and live out my day half-heartedly. It’s not that I cannot wear women’s clothes or take female hormones openly as I transition, although that is a definite issue too, but that I will never truly be a woman. Another problem is that I consider myself straight. I want to be a woman, and be with one.
I remember one day while sitting in our chapel, our Dean of Students, Brian Sherstad, told us about an activist group called “Soulforce”. They were planning on visiting our campus in order to sway us from our righteous understanding. He told us that if they came to the college he would have them escorted away by police officers. I guess you get that a lot, I hear. Anyway, I was disappointed. I really wanted to hear them out, not just because I am tolerant of others, but also because of my own struggle.
I guess I am writing this letter as my way of reaching out and saying “I am in pain. I need support. I need advice. I need prayers”.
If there is anything you can say or do, please, say or do it. I know I will really appreciate it, and those who are still in the dark can have a little light.
I know I will be in Heaven someday. I cannot say, because I do not know or fully understand it, that homosexual/transsexual lifestyles are acceptable in God’s eyes, but I know I am saved. That much I can say.
Thanks for reading this improper letter. My grammar skills are lacking. I am not doing well in my English class at the moment. 

Tyler Ebel



How do I feel?
It's 2 in the morning and I am still in the "now"...
...still breathing, thinking, LIVING.
I have been here many times before.
I don't understand why I do not just build my life in this moment,
since I return to it often.
Moments of nothingness...
...hopelessness, yet...
...lack of despair...just...
on the verge of tears. On the verge of breaking everything in my room
without hesitation. The verge of something, and nothing all at the same time.
Moment of silence, isolation, darkness, not really evil, but not good.
Where is my head at?
I can never have what I desire. My Lord has saved me for nothing...aye, save for a few details here and there, amounting to JACK.
She gets the boy she wants, he gets the girl he wants, I don't get anything.
I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything. I don't get anything...
I welcome death. I pray for it everyday. I don't go looking for it, since it's not honorable to kill myself, but I plead daily to God to take me Home. I hate life. I hate practically everyone I come in contact with. I don't hate them like an enemy, but I hate them because they get to be REAL Christians. I wish I were a real Christian. The basic blessings God bestows on every individual...He must have decided I didn't need them...or maybe I am not really saved. Maybe I am fooling myself. That would explain why I cannot stop lusting, hating myself, starting drama, eating junk food, not having a devotional, not being normal...
I have always been this way. Maybe I am bipolar. Would explain. God provides out of pity, I suppose. It is always a bad day, but sometimes I have a good time because I make it happen. I usually do not have the will to make it happen often enough. Why does God love me? I am crap! You know it, and I know it. Unworthy.
I know I would struggle to live if death came. I pray God holds me down. It's not me that fights, but the auto reaction of my flesh. Good 'ol flesh. God gave it to us so we could condemn it...but in of itself is sinful, so God gave us sin? No, you would say no. They've taught us better in our Theology classes.
I have had crushes and loves in my life. All of the crushes and loves died, each taking a piece of my heart with them. I have no more heart to give. I love, but cannot share it?

"She looks at me sometimes. A quick, innocent glance, and then back to her nail biting. Maybe she knows my feelings towards her...yes, she knows, and she allows me to feed off her beauty and intellect until she can no longer take it and then...? She will shout across the classroom: 'Stop looking at me, freak'!
I will be crushed. Shocked. Embarrassed. Dead".

I am so pathetic. Pathetic man…piece of trash…worthless.
Funny, how much love I have, the crushes that stir in my vacant space of a heart. Let down here, refused there, denied all-around. I was alone, then, I am alone now. Nothing has changed, except I have aged and grown bitter. But look at me. I look fine. I say "Hi" as we walk past each other, like nothing is wrong and the world is at peace. "Good mornings" are "screw yous" and everything inbetween that is rubbish. Do you care? That's nice, but can you act on that care genuinely, or do you have to force yourself? Pity.
Maybe you'll pray for me...
yes, that always does good...
but that also means YOU never have to lift a finger, never have to really do anything substantial.
Let God handle it, right? Well, He is handling it. Full circle.
My penis must go away. I hate it. It is useless, and I want it gone.
Useless, utterly useless.
I am different, that's for sure. I need to be different, but I cannot take off my Halloween mask. It is stuck and I cannot find the zipper. I scare too easily, and my impressions are always hindered. If you care, talk to me! No? Oh boo-hoo.
Why do I continue?
Why do I keep walking to class, past all the smiles and laughter?
Why am I so alone?
This is how Columbine started. Worried? Don't be…it’s not me, and…
...I don't own any guns. :)

Broken In a Good Way

I was recently listening to Jeremy Riddle's version of "Sweetly Broken". So nice. It hit home for me. I am broken, and not just because I am poop, but also a holy brokeness. God has shown me what needs to be given up...given to Him.

He has, in the last 48 hours, told me more than I knew all semester. Where am I going with this life I've been given? How am I living it? What good am I doing in the world? How will that good be multiplied and save people not only from themselves, but from making the poor decision to send themselves to Hell?

My new motto in life is thus: " Lord, use me or take me home. "

I no longer wish to live for myself. I've been down that road. I have known the utter solitude of my emptiness way too long. I'd drink because I'd think and almost feel like it would be fun and it would fill that strange emptiness I've felt...and I feel that way almost always. And I have fun! I drink and I feel good...but then I sober up, and it's back to that weird, horrible feeling again. So I used to just ignore it and fill my mind with ideas and beliefs that support the cause of self-fulfillment and personal advancement. I never wanted to feel that scarey, awkward feeling that I was doing something wrong to myself. I kept pursuing those nights of sexual gratification and drunkeness almost to a point of feeling sorry for myself and feeling completely lost. I was a nobody, and I was going nowhere in particular.

If that's ANYTHING close to you, reader, please consider that I may not be totally insane on this whole "religion" thing. I may have found something that used to be the focal point of many drunken nights of mockery and teasing. What is it that I have, that you may not? Denial. No, not that, I'm saying that you just might be doing that again. You are denying yourself the opportunity to break out of that cage of repeating self-torture WITHOUT pleasure. Stop lying to yourself, be open-minded and really give it a shot. Surrender to Christ.

Jesus is not a slave driver. God doesn't force people to love Him, because if He did, YOU'D be His subject as well! He is not a mean God that enjoys zapping people when they do wrong. God does not, when His child, punish you because you failed to live up to His holy expectations. God is love...but God is Just.

I can go on and on. and God knows I want to. If this intrigues you AT ALL, FOR ANY DARN REASON, PLEASE contact me. Ask me some questions. Get angry at me if you want.

I'm done. May God bless you, dear readers, with the Truth that burns deep into hearts and minds, and may He bless you with understanding.

Jesus Is STILL King, Like It or Not

If you're looking at this Blog, then maybe you were curious. Or maybe you felt compelled to bash me, or just maybe agree with me. Either way, I just wanted to share with you what Jesus has done with my life.

1. Jesus saved me from Hell. That's number one.

2. Jesus delivers me from sin daily and restores me to peace and wellness.

3. Jesus loves me more than I can imagine, than you can imagine, and it shows daily when I have food to eat, a warm place to sleep, and material comforts to enjoy. He blesses me when He should be condemning me for all the bad stuff I do.

4. Jesus NEVER gives me what I deserve, else I'd be going to Hell. I deserve that.

Wow, if I could just make this list as long as I want to, then it would be a long Blog, but I will stop there. The 4 above summarize the main points of my thankfulness.

Jesus is Lord God and there is no way you can dethrone Him! Not one pagan circle, not one deity worshipped, not one sorceror or magician, not one demon or devil, not one most influential persons can possible even begin to make God less!!!

And yet - He chose them as well! If they would only see that what they are doing is wrong and turn from those ways! They say to themselves:"I will try things and be free-minded and do as I please. I will become like a god and just do good things to get to a heaven of my choosing". I will tell you this:


So, I have yelled. Yay for yelling in caps! Just so you know, I am tolerant of other beliefs, but to say that they are all equal and okay, is to blaspheme my God to His face. Christianity has had a bad reputation these last few years with people claiming to be Christian (why? cuz they believe in God?) and then doing whatever the heck they wanted to, spreading lie after lie of how to live good and get to Heaven. Christianity was meant to be more than a religious belief or label. It was meant to be a lifestyle and relationship with God, and people out there claiming a "Christian right" are only fooling themselves!

*PANT*PANT* Okay, I am done. I felt you needed to hear this.

If you want to know how to be saved, truly saved and destined for Paradise, then pray this (you must believe it, or at least accept it to be truth even if everything doesn't make sense):

"Dear Jesus, I have fallen short of the mark for your kingdom. I have done some mean things, some bad things in my life and I know I am damned for it. Please, forgive me of my errors and selfishness and bless me with the salvation only you can give. I believe in your sacrifice for the forgiveness of sins great and small, and I believe you to be God, born of Man, taught, healed, suffered and died for humanity. Please forgive me Lord and take me as I am. I am yours. Please give me the privelage of being an heir to the Kingdom. Thank You, Jesus, for saving me. I look forward to growing close to you as the best friend and teacher I never could have in this life. Thanks much, AMEN."

Any questions? Ask me. ^_^

What the Hell?

So, I was just feeling myself up and I decided to pinch my nipples. Ya...okay, just here me out for a moment.

My right breast seemed sore, but when I rubbed it, it felt better.

My left breast wasn't sore, but after a gentle pinch to my nipple, I discovered that a clear oil-substance came out.

What the Hell?

I heard that it might just be the oils around the head of the nipple that come out when a baby feeds.

I squeazed it a few times more - same thing happened! I don't think I am lactating... that's just too far advanced for me I think.

I tried my right nipple, but it was stubborn and nothing came out. So...

What the Hell? What gives? Well, obviously my left nipple GIVES, but I just don't get what is going on.

It's not like I can just go up to a woman and ask her if she ever had an experience like mine before. *SLAP*!

I guess I will just wait and see if I develop a tumor or somehow magically grow pregnant, because otherwise I have no clue what's going on in my breasts.

I need to stop fondling myself and go to bed already! I'm such a deviant! Gosh!

My Letter to College of the Ozarks

I was just curious as to why most Christian colleges do not permit men to wear earrings or small studs in their earlobes. What's the problem? How does this relate to the Bible and the words of Jesus? Where does it say that men cannot pierce their ears in a modest, clean and attractive manner? What is the difference? Is it because we are not women? If it is because we are not women, but men, AND it cannot be reinforced by the Bible stating that either gender can or cannot pierce their ears, then this 'rule' is completely out-of-date and needs reconsidering. It should be the choice of every student to have jewelry in their ears or not, as a man or a woman. No earings is like saying "please, don't have an identity. Be like the Japanese. They are like black-haired work robots without a whole lot of character". I know, this sounds a bit racist, but I assure you, I am not in the least racist. This is just a fact, or so I am told and can see in their country.

I wanted to go here. I heard some great things. I currently attend a Bible college in Michigan. I have earrings. I don't feel rebellious, seductive or "gangsta" in anyway. I am not a homosexual nor a biker. The image of men with earrings can be the ONLY reason why schools like mine and yours deny men the privelage to wear such things. But the coin flips for women! Same jewelry, but now instead of a homosexual gangsta rebellion ensuing, it becomes an accepted part of their physical identity and is often praised. Earrings were never meant to be "sided" for one gender only!

Okay, so I blabbed enough. I know I have not changed your minds, nor have you read the entire 'complaint' I'm sure. I just needed to get the IDIOCRACY out of my head about silly Christian imagery for upright citizens.

Your Christian brother,


Some More Things About Me

1 - I am still a fan of metal...even if it isn't the hardest out there.

2 - I am still transgender. This shit sucks, but I am coping better.

3 - I will remain a man. I think I might be the only one of my kind.

4 - I have had my share of homosexual thoughts and desires...

5 - ...but I think they are more along the grey area of my transgenderism.

6 - I am still single.

7 - I am still a virgin...right, I know...ha ha ha...but I gotta tell ya...

8 - ...I am not a pure, innocent wussy. I know my stuff, and I am a freak!

9 - I have a family that likes to pretend that everything's cool and leveled...

10 - but the truth is we have had a shitty past and it still creates baggage.

11 - I am in a world of financial debt, starting with credit cards, ending with...

12 - ...student loans.

13 - My favorite color is the absence of color - BLACK.

14 - Otherwise I like pink.

15 - I am most likely to be a bit insane, but I have learned to conceal the...

16 - ...craziness with humor, smaller problems and Jesus. Jesus is awesome.

17 - I still drink, just not as often.

18 - I have never tried a cigarette in my whole life. Seriously.

19 - I sleep in a bed of pink satin. It is very girly, but damn comfy.

20 - I wish I had a car more than anything right now.

21 - I really fucking hate seeing postings of my friends and their girlfriends...

22 - ...together in a profile picture.

23 - I also hate it when they post things like "My girlfriend is the best"!

24 - I wish I was born in July.

25 - I contemplate suicide often, but I wouldn't kill myself, because...

26 - ...I love living my life. It is full of dogshit and assholes. How this makes...

27 - ...sense, I am not sure, but I know I am not one to give up so easily.

The Following Are...

All of the following BLOGS marked with a * are from my Myspace page. I took them off Myspace because it was causing a disturbance with my college friends. Ya, I know, "they are not really your friends unless they love you no matter what", but you forget: I live at and attend a Bible college, centered in the conservative Bible-Belt of Grand Rapids. You know.

Learn Up or Shut Up!

Learn up or Shut up!

Quit running your mouth about things you know very little on. Instead, learn about the details and THEN run your mouth with more vigor and focus!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I got this from a friend on Facebook. She's a real procrastinator. I deleted all the ones that do not apply to me, leaving just the ones that do apply.


[X] You love jeans.
[X] Dogs are better than cats.[they're equally awesome in different ways :D]
[X] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[X] You own a car racing game.
[X] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[X] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[X] You owned a DS, PS2, N64,or Sega.
[X] You have watched sports on TV
[X] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[X] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[X] Sports are fun[X] You talk with food in your mouth.
[X] You sleep with your socks on at night. (Sometimes, yup!)
[X] You have fished at least once


[X] You love to shop.
[X] You wear eyeliner
[X] You wear the color pink.
[X] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[X] You like going to the mall.
[X] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[X] You like wearing jewelry.
[X) You cried watching The Notebook.
[X] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[X] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up
[X] You care about what you look like.
[X] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[X] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[X] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[X] You like putting make-up on others.
[X] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

Appearance •

[X] I have many scars.
[X] I Tan easily.
[X] I wish my hair was a different colour.
[X] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
[X] I've had/have braces.
[X] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.

• Embarrassment •

[X] Disney movies still make me cry.
[X] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[X] I've glued my hand to something.
[X] I've laughed 'til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[X] I've had my pants rip in public.

• Health •

[X] Broken a bone.
[X] I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
[X] I've had chicken pox.• Traveling •
[X] I've driven / riden over 200 miles in one day.
[X] I've been on a plane

• Experiences •

[X] I've gotten lost in my city.
[X] I've seen a shooting star.
[X] I've wished on a shooting star.
[X] I've seen a meteor shower.
[X] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[X] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[X] I've been to a casino.
[X] I've gone skinny-dipping.
[X] I've crashed a car.
[X] I've been skiing.
[X] I've been in a musical.
[X] I've caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[X] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[X] I've sat on a rooftop at night.
[X] I've played a prank on someone.
[X] I've ridden in a taxi.
[X] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[X] I've been snowboarding.

• Relationships •

[X] I'm single. Whatever that means...
[X] I miss someone right now.
[X] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[X] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.

• Honesty / Crime •

[X] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[X] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[X] I've snuck out.
[X] I've lied to my parents about where I am.
[X] I've cheated while playing a game.
[X] I've ran a red light.
[X] I've witnessed a crime.
[X] I've been in a fist fight.

• Death and Suicide •

[X] I've seen someone / something dying.
[X] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[X] I've planned my own suicide before.
[X] I've written a eulogy for myself.

• Materialism •

[X] I own something I got on E-Bay.

• Random •

[X] I can sing well
[X] I open up to others easily
[X] I watch the news.
[X] I sing in the shower.
[X] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[X] I twirl my hair.
[X] My favourite colour is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[X] I would wear pajamas to school.
[X] I know how to shoot a gun.
[X] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[X] I laugh at my own jokes
[X] I'm good at remembering faces.
[X] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
(X) I've had dreams that I was the opposite sex and LIKED them.
[X] All my answers were totally honest.

Surprise, surprise! Fun little details about Me!!