Blogs Daily

So, I feel bad that I don't get on Blogger often enough and write stuff for people to be entertained. Honestly, I feel like I am not fulfilling my "Blogger Quota".
I will try harder to remember to step away from my busy life and write out a few thoughts for anyone who cares.

I'm not bitchN here, just feel like I have been denying people their American right to know about my life more. LOL! Gee, I DO sound like I am bitchN!

Okay, so i will get on Blogger more often and write something, even if it is a silly dream I had.

Love all of ya!

Rachel

Every Time

I met a nice girl at Church today. She was very interesting, and interested in me. She was pretty and seemed to keep her eyes on my eyes. I thought "Wow. I just might actually hook-up". Then she got a call and answered it like this: "Oh, Hi, how are you tonight"?

Damnit. That's language any guy can understand. She's already got a boyfriend.

Oh well, it was fun flirting. She'd eventually find out I had "another" side to me and freak-out, so I guess it was for the best she was not for me. Still...*sigh*.

The 500 Dollar Question

First, allow me to "vent" some stress. I was given a 500 dollar academic scholarship and now they are taking it back. In fact, they may be revoking all of my stafford loans. How? Why? Apparently, when I got removed from a class on some ridiculous theology discussion, I was a part-time student. But now, since that 3-credit class has been forcefully removed from my schedule, I am being told that my scholarship is going bye-bye, and so are my stafford loans, since I am no longer at least 6 credits to be called a "part-timer". I have only 5 credits right now. WTF.

And now for some deeper thoughts.

I look around me and see the men and women of the world, working, moving around, doing this-and-that...trying to survive as comfortable as possible. I wonder: how many of these men and women were once the opposite sex? Strangely enough, I think this. I haven't met anyone who has been too wreckless with their stealth, or anyone who has been out for a while, but no one can tell the difference anymore by looking. I really wish I could sit down and eat a meal with some people like me.

Like me? Sure, why not? I guess I am not quite transsexual anymore, since I do not take hormones (regular basis - I KNOW - I shouldn't play with that stuff) and dress up as a daily ritual to shock the masses at my Bible college. No, I am more like the transsexual who REALLY FLIPPING WANTS TO BE WHO I AM INSIDE but chooses not to in case it will piss God off. Infact (In + Fact should be one word, I think. It'll catch on hopefully), I don't want to lose any chance I have for a normal life. I have to be honest...I really don't have a clue as to what that means, but I really really want it.

Some "women" are just so damn beautiful. They pulled it off (haha). I envy them. How I long to be beautiful as well! Arg!!!!! Nope. Not me. Can never be. I could take all the hormones in the world and still be a large, muscular person with a deep voice and big hands and feet. Cosmetic surgery would only do so much for me, especially since I am a low-budget type of person. I just can't afford things like that! Anyways, I REALLY wish and pray to God EVERYDAY that He would either kill me or turn me into the person He wants me to be. I am hoping dearly that it has something to do with lip gloss and nail polish. I pray for God to give me direction and to use me for His Kingdom, but hopefully, I can do it as a woman. Why not? God can use ANYONE from ANYWHERE at ANYTIME. God is God.

Ever wish you were Gay? I do. It would be far easier for me to justify my transitioning and help others see that I was really a woman from the get-go. I know, I know, it wouldn't necessarily be easier as a homosexual, and I know for a fact that my faith says that I would be a damned soul for practicing it, but...ya know. I just feel it would be more beneficial to me than liking girls. I HATE that I like girls. So confusing sometimes! For instance, I could be talking to a girl about shades of eyeshadow that goes with a gown, then in that moment of pleasant, natural, girl-to-girl communication, I get all horny! And instead of thinking about how great she looks and how many heads will turn when she goes out, I want to sleep with her and wear the damn eyeshadow doing it! I think I need to see a shrink.

Well, I really need to climb into bed, which by-the-way, is completely pink satin.
Yea, I know...it's very girly. Maybe too girly, like, "sissy" or something, but it's the only thing I have left of my relationship with my "inner fem". I lose that, I lose really wonderful sleeping comfort!...and possibly would have to go out dressed like a woman and get kicked out of college. I am just three months away from graduating. I gotta stay focused for now. Privacy and public MUST stay separate.

Go-Go-Gadget-Get-the-fuke-out-of-my-class!

I got kicked-out of my Theology class today. I haven't been kicked-out of a class since High School! What happened? Well, as a student enrolled in this course, it is my responsibility to post my response on our college course site to our current reading assignment. Simple enough. I made a comment about how this class just talks about the mysteries of God, going full-circle, and not getting anywhere but more confused. Alas, I am not going to be a preacher-man, nor will I need to know this to save my life someday (ironically, it might happen - lol), but this course was a bad idea at this point. I LOVE discussing theology with others, and challenging what they believe, but apparently my professor was not pleased with my post, felt that I had trashed-talked about it and insulted him, so he dismissed me before he started class. I left unashamedly, but embarrassed. I cannot apologize again...I apologized on my post later before class. Did he read my apology? He is the professor, and I am his student, but I cannot put myself so low that I have no respect for myself anymore. I apologized, but kept to my guns. Maybe he will let me back in if I kiss his ass in front of everyone and take ten lashings in the back?
Maybe. Well, I am not going to let this bother me too much anymore. I need to go do my cleaning job and pray for a car...since I have no amount of serious work hours and cannot get a better job, money is super-tight and a car seems to be impossible to save for, so...PRAYER!!! (I wonder if anyone reads these blogs)?

Dreams are Crazy!

Okay, so I had another dream last night. This time, it was I would go to sleep in my dream and then do random dream things with my friends. It was weird and fun! I remember that I was about to wake up and I looked to my friend Kate and said that "as soon as I wake up, we might forget all this happened...in fact, you might not even be real". She just smiled at me and said "No, no, we will remember and see eachother again". So I woke up, but when I went to her apartment, she was still sleeping! So I had to act fast. Something was wrong. I told her roommate that he had to put me to sleep in order to save Kate. I went to sleep and found her tied up by some weird dream goblins, or something. I tried to fight off these bogeys but they were too quick. I eventually came to the realization that I was dreaming again (you see, you forget that you are dreaming, and as soon as you realize you are, a timer begins that awakes you physically, but you also get some, if not all, contol). So, I beat the crap out of these creatures and used my body heat to burn 'em up! I saved her and we fled to the Magic Woods (?). There, we told eachother that to find our way out, we had to become different people and then go into a horror comic book individually and fight the monsters there that are tormenting children all over the world. So, I agreed and became a girl. I seriously don't know who, or even what I looked like...use your imaginations! She became Spider-man...I think...and we did what we had to do in order to save the children and get out of Dream World. I think we pulled it off. I woke up and she was there holding my hand smiling. Then I woke up FOR REAL. What a strange, yet delightful dream experience! ^_^

Homosexual Batman Non-Denominational Pancakes

No. I am not homosexual. Did the title of the note grab your curiosity? lol

I "came-out" to the students of Grace Bible College back in December, at a chapel service.

When I aid I struggled with my Gender Identity, that did not mean I was gay. Not so much, no.

What that meant was that I struggled to maintain a socially acceptable level of "manliness".

I hate being a man, and want to be a woman.

This is something that I have had in my heart and mind since I was a child.

I have coped with it as much as possible growing up, turning my "issue" into a sexual fantasy.

Instead of helping me escape transgenderism, it made things even more twisted and difficult.

I have female desires. Not so much sexual, but as a general point of character.

In order to satisfy myself without crossing the boundaries of our so-called Law of Birth Gender...

...I began to cross-dress, and I practiced applying make-up privately. I grew my hair longer and...

...painted my nails. I grew less interested in girls as sexual objects of desire.

I bought fragrances for women and turned my bed into a bed made for a princess.

Now, this had an effect on women in my life too. They saw me not only as a freak to avoid, but as a...

...man who is was taking ground from the "women's front" and claiming it as my own - something...

...a man would naturally do.

It is a fact that all men in the world use and live within "Male Privelage".

By trying to be a girl, and taking it for what I could, I was "being a man being a women". My bad.

Now, I wasn't all-out in my efforts to feminize myself. I still appeared more-so "manly".

I took herbal pills to decrease my testosterone and increase my estrogen for over a year.

Some visible changes in my appearance and attitude could have been seen, if you were looking.

I began taking actual female hormones around January 2008. I used pills mostly, sometimes a patch.

I was terrified of anyone finding out. They would not understand. They would see it as a drug habit.

They would have kicked me out of college and never second-guessed their actions on that.

I was hurting so bad. I really wanted to be who God wanted me to be, but I was so confused.

I had only 3 friends and our kind Dean of Students know about this. One of my friends -

Matt Palfenier - was a close ally to me in this and I treasure him as a close friend for his help.

I gave up hormones in November 0f 2008 for fear of God's Will and for killing my liver.

I developed a bit in the areas a girl would at puberty, and my skin retained some softness for 2 months.

Do I have regrets for doing this? Yes. I don't want to be infertile. I want to be a daddy someday.

How do I feel about all of this? I feel good. I mean, I ventured into territory many of us will never go.

I came out emotionally and spiritually stronger. I learned about genders and their roles in our world.

I know who I am....as a man...and strive to be who God wills me to be.

Having this all behind me has made me a better man. I know things now. Neat little details about girls.

I feel like a man who feels like a woman that wants to be a man for God but secretly wishes to wake...

...up in the morning as a woman. Ah, it never goes away, but from what I have experienced, and...

...from what I have learned, AND with God's help, I can strive forward in life and do His will correctly.

So, here is the conclusion:

1 -I am a man. Always and forever.
2- I do wish I was a woman, not because it would be easier (NO WAY!) but because it is who I am inside.
3- I want to obey the Lord, but am wary of those who use the Word to silence me and keep me down.
4-Transsexualism and being transgendered is not a sin. Not in my book! But the lifestyles and hearts of those who have become men or women by pill and surgery is what matters to God, not their flesh.
5-God made this issue come out of me for a reason. He took something I needed to work on and made it happen. Thank you, Jesus.
6-I really hope I don't lose my jobs anywhere for fear of me as a freak. You know me. I'm not a freak.

THAT'S IT! Comments are encouraged, even if you feel weirded-out! See ya!

Officially Gay?

I went to see a ballet/hip-hop performance last night with a friend. She and I loved the show and later went to Denny's. She drove, so afterwards, she dropped me off at my place and said our goodbyes. I was very tired so I went to bed. I dreamed. In my dream, I was doing odd and wonderful things...such as dreams are, but a part came up where I was a ballet dancer being hurried around back-stage, pestered to quickly get my make-up on and slip on my shoes. (This had to have been influenced by the show).
I tried to do what I was told, and anytime I caught a glimpse of myself, I was a man still, but in my reflections I saw a cute ballet girl. Anyways, I never went on stage. I complained I had to use the ladies room and went. Funny, in dreams you use the bathroom, but never get satisfied, you just keep going or need to use it again...because I guess if you DID get satisfied from going, then you'd probably need to change your sheets in the morning! The dream changed and I was laying on a couch in someone's living room. I was watching episodes of "The office". My mother was there and two of her friends as well, one a man and the other a woman. I think they were a couple. They had a son who came up to me, squatted next to the couch and held a computer keyboard on his lap. It was the remote, and in order to play the next episode, I needed to type it in. So, I did. I remember feeling bashful to go so close to his "area" but played it off as if I didn't think anything of it. Then I realized - I was wearing my nightie in front of everyone! (That's what I sleep in...nothing too girly, but it is pink). I didn't panic. I just laid there as if nothing were wrong. Nobody seemed to care and they thought I looked nice. Those compliments felt really nice, but I was so embarrassed that I was out in the living room with my nightie on - in front of everyone. My mother made some snide remark of me being a boy, but before anyone could muster up a response, I took off from the couch and into my bedroom around the corner. The dream ended, and I awoke with the need to use the bathroom.

I wanted to catch some more zzzzzzzzzzz's, but I got up and typed this out for all to see. Yay.

I don't really know what to feel. I mean, the dream sort of made the "feelings" return, and if I were to be a woman in real life, I guess it would be a lot more convenient and easier to pass as a real girl if I dated men. I am a Christian, and knowing what I know from the Word of God, not from some dinky church clergymen, I must not engage in those feelings. HOMOSEXUALITY is a condemnable sin against the flesh and more importantly against God. I sooooooooooo badly want to just collapse in the arms of a cute young man, and be held gently by his strong arms and warm torso. I want to see him smile at me and call me "beautiful". And kiss me.

Yea, I guess that's homosexuality. Even if I were a girl by surgery and hormones, I would still be considered a man by the Church and damned to Hell for my actions. I could try to be in a heterosexual relationship with a man if I were to become a woman, but...I'm repeating myself here. I want what I want, but I cannot have it unless I am willing to lose everything I have and possibly upset the Lord I love. Things are not easy for me. I am a man trying to remain and behave like a man, who feels in her heart of hearts that I am lying to myself, and wants to be with a man, but knows that I am a man, so that would be an even bigger sin if I became a woman and hooked-up with a man. There's no end to it! No solution I can see!

*SIGH* I suppose I just need to give this all some time, and have faith that Jesus Christ will show me what I need to do about all of this.

Thanks for reading.

- Hidden Rachel