Officially Gay?

I went to see a ballet/hip-hop performance last night with a friend. She and I loved the show and later went to Denny's. She drove, so afterwards, she dropped me off at my place and said our goodbyes. I was very tired so I went to bed. I dreamed. In my dream, I was doing odd and wonderful things...such as dreams are, but a part came up where I was a ballet dancer being hurried around back-stage, pestered to quickly get my make-up on and slip on my shoes. (This had to have been influenced by the show).
I tried to do what I was told, and anytime I caught a glimpse of myself, I was a man still, but in my reflections I saw a cute ballet girl. Anyways, I never went on stage. I complained I had to use the ladies room and went. Funny, in dreams you use the bathroom, but never get satisfied, you just keep going or need to use it again...because I guess if you DID get satisfied from going, then you'd probably need to change your sheets in the morning! The dream changed and I was laying on a couch in someone's living room. I was watching episodes of "The office". My mother was there and two of her friends as well, one a man and the other a woman. I think they were a couple. They had a son who came up to me, squatted next to the couch and held a computer keyboard on his lap. It was the remote, and in order to play the next episode, I needed to type it in. So, I did. I remember feeling bashful to go so close to his "area" but played it off as if I didn't think anything of it. Then I realized - I was wearing my nightie in front of everyone! (That's what I sleep in...nothing too girly, but it is pink). I didn't panic. I just laid there as if nothing were wrong. Nobody seemed to care and they thought I looked nice. Those compliments felt really nice, but I was so embarrassed that I was out in the living room with my nightie on - in front of everyone. My mother made some snide remark of me being a boy, but before anyone could muster up a response, I took off from the couch and into my bedroom around the corner. The dream ended, and I awoke with the need to use the bathroom.

I wanted to catch some more zzzzzzzzzzz's, but I got up and typed this out for all to see. Yay.

I don't really know what to feel. I mean, the dream sort of made the "feelings" return, and if I were to be a woman in real life, I guess it would be a lot more convenient and easier to pass as a real girl if I dated men. I am a Christian, and knowing what I know from the Word of God, not from some dinky church clergymen, I must not engage in those feelings. HOMOSEXUALITY is a condemnable sin against the flesh and more importantly against God. I sooooooooooo badly want to just collapse in the arms of a cute young man, and be held gently by his strong arms and warm torso. I want to see him smile at me and call me "beautiful". And kiss me.

Yea, I guess that's homosexuality. Even if I were a girl by surgery and hormones, I would still be considered a man by the Church and damned to Hell for my actions. I could try to be in a heterosexual relationship with a man if I were to become a woman, but...I'm repeating myself here. I want what I want, but I cannot have it unless I am willing to lose everything I have and possibly upset the Lord I love. Things are not easy for me. I am a man trying to remain and behave like a man, who feels in her heart of hearts that I am lying to myself, and wants to be with a man, but knows that I am a man, so that would be an even bigger sin if I became a woman and hooked-up with a man. There's no end to it! No solution I can see!

*SIGH* I suppose I just need to give this all some time, and have faith that Jesus Christ will show me what I need to do about all of this.

Thanks for reading.

- Hidden Rachel