No Coming-Out Party? *

So...I guess the word is out. Yeah...OUT. The word of the day is 'Out'.

I had no idea my mother would view anything on Myspace. I didn't realize she went on my sister's page and spotted my blog. Heck, I didn't even realize my sister was subscribed to my bloggings, or even glanced at my page. Heh heh heh, I guess I also just realized my mom is more 'hip' than I give her credit for - being on Myspace. Wow.

It wasn't easy growing up. I know a lot of you can agree. It's never always going to be easy for everyone. I was an emotional boy. I was sensitive and quick to cry because I did not like the way things worked. I used to get into trouble for my potty mouth, staying out late, being lazy on the chores and starting crap with my siblings. It wasn't always my fault either. Sometimes I was the victim of the unnecessary abuse. It had always irritated me to no-end when I was confronted for being an asshole. "You need to admit, you were giving people trouble, and that's why so-and-so happened, bla bla bla...". Ya, I know this. Please quit pointing fingers.

I so badly wanted to hang out more with girls growing up, I just didn't understand what they were up to half the time. I mean, I am biologically male for the most part. There were things I just didn't get. When one of my girl cousins went into modeling, it was around the time I was becomming atracted to girls. This made things difficult. I wanted to BE the model, looking beautiful and alluring, having fun dressing up and getting looks, BUT I also began to enjoy being the one LOOKING at the alluring models.

Things improved a little near the end of high school. I tried to turn my feelings and desires into a sexual fetish. I tried crossdressing, often getting caught in awkward situations occassionally. I tried to make it something I would "enjoy to myself", if you catch my meaning. I thought I had fixed my wierdness. Life was still a hell-hole for me and the rest of my family I understand, but doing my secret thing kept my feelings in check and if they didn't, I found a way to just drink and talk crap about other things with my drinking friends.

Kicked out for being a miserable son and non-contributing household member, I lived in a van for 2 months. Thankfully it was summer. I had some cash saved, and bled that dry just for food and gas. I went back and forth between roadstops and friends' homes. I finally got into an apartment in Oscoda, Michigan, and the rest is history as we all know it.

I did not find solace in my apartment completely. I had yearnings to do "girl" things and I often found myself at parties standing around, gabbing with girls and even looking at the guys. Am I gay? I don't think I am, and then, no, not so much. I was curious, and I did have some inclinations towards men at that time too, but not to say I was queer and wanted a man all over me. I just kept getting deeper into fetishes and became quite the knowledgable person on sex toys, bondage, rubber latex, wierd kinks and other fetishes. I thought it was interesting to know there was more freakier people out there than me.

I became a Christian, and that brought about a new guilt. Is this wrong? Am I wrong to be this way? Will I go to Hell anyway? I went to a Bible college to pursue those answers and grow closer to Christ. I wanted to be successful in life and not be stuck in Iosco County fot the rest of my life. It was not the best place to be for me. It was hard - it IS hard. In the summer of 2007, I came to the conclusion (after a few months of compulsively gathering information on my "issue") that I, dear friends and family, was transgendered.

At first I wasn't sure what to think. I was SO happy I was not alone, that there was others out there just like me! I wanted to tell the world that I was not a freak anymore, that I actually fit somewhere! I also remembered how people were growing up, not just family and friends, and understood that there will be persecution for me if I take the road to changing my body to match my mind.

I don't even know har far and permanent I will make of all this. I already have breast development. That does not go away. How far am I willing to go in order to be happy with myself? Friends from online give me the support and encouragement to do what I need to do and be happy with myself. Everyone else outside the Web thinks differently. Should I risk everything for this, including my jobs, college career at a Bible school, friendships and family, or should I just pretend again that I am a weird boy with odd fetishes?

There is an amazingly LARGE amount of information regarding my transgenderism. For fun and education, try going to:

www.transsexual.org

www.transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html

www.ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway

Those are just a few places to start looking. If you any other questions, please let me know them!

Now then. As far as any of you know, you think that your crazy friend, son or borther is "just doing something to gain attention. He doesn't want to be a girl. He's just yanking our chains. He likes to stir up our waters. What an asshole".
No. I am not saying anything here to get anyone's attention any more than the next person writing about some obscure diary post. This is real. This is me.

I guess I feel safe behind the Internet and not directly telling anyone. I don't know what is going to happen IF I visit home for the holidays. There is always some sort of annoying complaint or argument to make me feel not so welcome. Will I be Tyler? Will I be the new and improved Rachel? Will it be too freaking uncomfortable for me to even talk about it? Well, as you know, I am still looking like a dude, acting like a dude as best as I can, and dressing like a dude, so i don't think much will change in the casual environment.

I hope nobody goes gabbing this stuff to people. I would rather they found out through this Blog and not by word-of-mouth. Questions come up, answers are limited and anxiety creeps in, causing hatred, fear and confusion. For example, please don't tell my/our grandfather Bob. He would NOT understand me one bit. I have tried to clue him in for a year, but he has just expressed his disgust and confusion over the matter. To him, a girl is a girl, and a boy is a boy. I wish it were that simple!

I don't know what else to say. I am going to watch a movie called "Slither". Anyone seen it? Looks icky, but fun in a scary way too!