Who is Rachel? *

Well! That's a super-duper question! No, not really, but it would help you to know what I mean by saying that my name is Rachel. Heh heh heh...No, I am not a woman...yet...and yes, I do look gosh-awful in that ridiculous Halloween photo of mine, but I am transitioning ever so slowly and carefully. I see the changes, and feel them too. If I went too fast or too much, I could get really sick and my liver could fail. That would be stinky. I take just a basic dosage of Estradiol - 2mg per day, and when the package arrives, I will get on a anti-androgen pill as well - to block all that nasty testosterone!

If I went through a doctor, not only would I be forced into a counseling treatment where I would have to explain why I am this way EVERYTIME we meet, and my insurance would not cover the visits, blood work, perscriptions and mental health counseling. Basically, I would be in a lot of financial trouble, and there is no organization that would clearly be there for me in my time of "coming out" to the world.

If I could not be what I am now, and just be a dude, I would be so freaking happy. Try to imagine, if you will, for one moment. Imagine yourself in my shoes...or heels. You hate your body more than someone who just thinks that they are fat, more than someone who has acne, more than someone born without a limb. You hate your body, and therefore begin to hate yourself inside. When this finally gets at you too much, you have only a few options.

One, you can give in and accept that there is a way to change your body to fit your mind - but that it would be very expensive, dangerous, and condemning. Second option would be to accept the way you were made in the womb of you mother as a divine ordinance to your being and just stay silent about your sufferings, maybe even getting involved in as many gender-related groups and situations as possible to sort of "brain wash" you into being content as you are. Third option would be to shoot your freaking brains out with a pistol. The third option runs around my head every once in a while, but the idea of suicide doesn't click with my Faith, as well as the hopefully known fact that I do not give up.

So...how would you feel if people got in your face about your isssues? How would you react to them, as well as to those who think that being Trans is ALL you are? How do you live with yourself day-to-day as the gender that drives you mad?
I don't mean to attack anyone. I just wanted you to understand better. It's not the same for every transitioning person, but there are too many similarities to make this "problem" a shut case.

Oh! Shoot! I almsot forgot. Sorry!
The name 'Rachel' comes from my mother. I had asked her what my name would have been if I had been born biologically female. She told me it would have been 'Laura'. That's funny, because that is my sister's name. She would have, at that time, chose the name 'Rachel'. She always thought that name sounded nice, so I took it. She doesn't know about ANY of this, so please don't say anything to her if ya know her. I will come clean with her and everyone this Christmas when everyone is in a good mood, or at least forced to pretend...giving me some sort of protection from an over-reaction if by chance.
Okay, I am done now. Ciao!