Dear Family *

I fall under the category of transgender. I could be called transsexual, but more closely aligned with being Gender Dysphoric (meaning I feel stress over not being a girl and living accordingly). If I were fully transsexual, I would be processing myself into a woman and living it out daily.

This may be purely the "not living as a woman" situation that depresses me, or so much as not truly being a woman. I think and feel it has more to do with NOT being a girl that troubles me. Should I feel this way? Of course not! Not because you believe I shouldn't, but because I believe I shouldn't.

I used to take phyto-estrogens, which are herbal supplements you can pick up in most stores. They increase the natural amount of estrogen in one's body and add some extra doses safely in miniscule amounts. Though not as potent and effective as estradiol and progesterone, I felt the effects and enjoyed them. It gave me softer skin and hair, and a more positive outlook on life; I smile more often, stronger nurturing desires, more sensitive to emotions and feelings of others, less sex drive and a peace I had not known for a long time. The real hormones work even better, and I am currently on them.

Other "side effects" included: stronger desire to be attractive to opposite sex (still women - complications? I'll get to that), less acne, less stinky body odor, enjoy conversing more, finding it hard to repress excitement over shopping - and that includes shoes, shirts and dresses strangely enough, I love cute-soft-pink things more, I enjoy painting my nails, I am growing my hair longer and would hate to cut it, I wear women's fragrances, I use women's deodorant, I feel I could lose about 100 pounds (I live realistically), want bigger breasts, don't get aroused cross-dressing and I shaved my legs.

I still like women sexually. How does this work, you ask? Are not all transgender people gay? No! I am not homosexual, although I do enjoy the fantasy of being held close and caressed, or to let the other lead the dance. I have felt certain feelings towards other men, just not in a "gay" sort-of-way. More like wanting to be dominated and penetrated (just not in the butt - because that is sick and I do not like the whole "gay" behavior). I am still straight. It's fair to say that I am a man still, maybe bisexual, and would appreciate it if you treated me with the same respect you have before knowing this. When you saw me last, I was this way. Did I send any weird "tranny" signals out there? I don't think so.

My college does and does not know. Some people know, like my Dean, and some do not. I do not intend to make a scene here. I am also planning on exploring this issue more in the future. I may stop taking herbal pills and go for the real deal. I have a little in the past, but stopped for respect towards my faith. I have not found any legitimate scripture saying it is sinful to live as the opposite sex as long as it is for real and not like a drag-queen, homosexual lifestyle. That is dirty and sinful and ruins the image of TRUE women, wouldn't you agree?

I have always been like this, I just couldn't put my finger on it, you know? There have been too many times I wanted to just "come out" and live honestly, but I had issues that were more important growing up to deal with. I hope you see that this isn't a twisted tale I've made up. I am being honest. As far as I know now, nothing is going to drastically change. I pray for your support. I expect fearful abandonment.

Another thing, it contends with me daily. I struggle with this all the time!
I want a wife, but a part of me wants to be the wife! Can you understand me?
I think like a girl, I feel like a girl, I even behave a little like a girl, but I am a man physically and socially and I know that if that changes I will be destroyed.
Thanks for hearing me out. I wish I had the balls (that's clever) to tell you to your face, but I was afraid of ruining my relationship with you so I did not. I value my connections to my family, despite the fact that they are always in some sort of epic battle against each other. I love you all.

In closing, I am sort of upset I had to tell you through the mail. I know…yes, I KNOW that some of you will not want me around anymore, either because you think I am being unnatural, or that I am not representing Christ like I should. I am representing Christ greatly and this is my cross to carry, not yours. This should be a warning to you all: "Let he or she that is without sin cast the first stone". Jesus said that when the Jews were about to stone a whore. Jesus stood up for a prostitute! So what makes you think, if you do, that you are better than me?
I do not mean to defile the image of God, nor do I wish to look as if I am backing out of Christianity. I am not. I am in this for the long haul. If it is a sin, I will find out. If not, then what's the problem? The "World" (term for everyone not Christian) accepts people like me, so if you do not, then you are neither the "World" nor a Christian. What are you?

This could be a great way for me to connect with others like me and share with them the Message of the Gospel! At least I could offer honest support.
I am done. Thanks again for hearing me out. I am sorry for being defensive right off the start.
Take care.